Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Enlightenment by way of lost cell phones and US HWY 360 S

So I had an epiphany while driving home from work yesterday. If you know me, you might have figured out that I am a procrastinator. However, I am no run of the mill procrastinator (ROMPs as I will call them). I don't just put off paying bills, or doing homework, or washing clothes or something mundane like that. I will put off everything from fixing a broken cell phone to paying my taxes. I am the kid you see sprinting across campus five minutes late for class holding a paper in my hand fresh off the printer that's not even stapled because I didn't have time to refill the stapler before it was due. I am the person 30 minutes late for a wedding shower because I was stuck at Target trying to decide which of the bad leftover presents on their registry I should buy. I am the person who owns the car with the flat tire that has been sitting in the parking lot outside of work for two weeks because I never got around to changing it. I put off for months paying traffic tickets that will inevitably become warrants for my arrest. I put off calling the credit agency when my identity has been stolen and over $1000 in bad checks have been written in my name using my address and driver's license number. I put off getting out of bed every single morning so I am consistently 30 minutes late to work and anywhere from 20 minutes to an hour late everywhere else. And yesterday all of these things combined in the form of a call from a credit agency, an overdrawn bank account, a lost cell phone, a suspended cell phone account, and a whole bunch of traffic on my way home from work to make me realize my life is kind of an irresponsible mess. (Okay, that last one wasn't a result of my procrastination, but it didn't help with my frustration level.)

As I'm sitting in traffic, feeling stressed and completely disappointed with myself once again because of the self-imposed chaos of my life, I begin to ask, why do I do this to myself? I thought about this and it came to mind that all those things I put off doing are things I don't want to do. I don't want to go to the bank and get an official affidavit of account forgery. I don't want to activate my new cell phone account. I don't want to get up early/do my taxes/go work out/fold my laundry/fix my cell phone/pay my traffic ticket/ etc etc etc... Okay, so if that's the case, then what do I want to do? The answer is so many pointless things. I want to sleep 30 extra minutes. I want to watch TV. I want to read blogs. I want to paint my toenails/read magazines/inspect my pores/eat a bunch of cake/draw pictures/drive around aimlessly/drink some vodka/ etc etc etc... And I think about the fact that I lie in bed every single morning, hitting snooze again and again for over an hour, and for what? Because I don't want to get out of bed and I do want to sleep more. Every. Single. Day.

And then, it hits me. I will NEVER WANT to get out of bed on time. I have NEVER WANTED to get out of bed on time. That's something I don't want to do, and yet because I don't do it, I am always late for work. I am late everywhere. I don't have time to do anything in the morning besides dress and brush my teeth. I don't even brush my hair until I get in the car. And why? Because I want an extra hour of snooze alarm-interrupted sleep. Every morning I think as my alarm goes off again and again that getting up and being on time for work really isn't that important to do because what I really want to do is sleep some more. And yet I know somewhere deep down that being on time for work really is kind of important. But if I never want to get out of the bed in the mornings, how will I ever get out of bed on time? And then I felt really pathetic because I realized what my problem really is:

I always only do what I feel like doing. I never just do what needs to be done.

I think this is because I HATE feeling like I have to do anything. I have always challenged authority, from my mother growing up to God godself as an adult. And so instead of doing things without asking questions just because they need to be done, I ask why is that so important to do now? I then inevitably decide that it's not really that important, so I end up doing the stupid, pointless, wasteful things I feel like doing at the time. My life is about self-indulgence. And that leaves my life filled with a whole lot of junk and very little substance. And I am no better for it.

The problem, I realize, goes deeper. I am self-absorbed. I live by the idea that there are no absolutes. Everything is relative and therefore, I question the values and priorities of everyone else. And yet, I don't go out and set my own goals or develop my own system of doing things. I simply think yours aren't good enough. You say the world is flat and I will be the lazy guy with the box of cheez-its on the couch in the back saying, Really? I don't think so, man. This is to distinguish me from the the guy who is circumventing the globe saying no, actually the world is round. And because I question everything without ever investigating on my own or coming to my own conclusions about things, I am left without goals, passions, priorities, convictions, or even morals in some cases. I end up with a whole lot of ideas and very little of anything put into practice. I am not a woman of action. So what do I do to fix this? I haven't figured that out yet, but I now realize this is a far greater problem than I ever imagined. This is me living the lifestyle of the fat, lazy, and self-addicted. And something must be done. I want to change this. I need to change this. This cannot be my life.

I am no ROMP, my friend. The rabbit hole of my procrastination goes far deeper than I ever realized.

3 Comments:

At 5/28/2006 10:57:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow, that was amazing, deep and incredibly well written. An ephiphany, a paradigm shift, a whole new way of looking at things. It also rang a bell of how I live my life sometimes. Yikes, is that me too?

 
At 5/29/2006 08:54:00 AM, Blogger Rachel said...

You are doing such important work - thank you for letting me (and the whole blogosphere) in on it!

 
At 6/16/2006 02:31:00 PM, Blogger lrae said...

I know what you mean. I think these are the reasons people adopt religions, by the way, although most people don't realize it.

 

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