To be brilliant and light. like candlelight, like feathers.

There is very little that can be done for this sort of wound. There is time and that's about it. I have brought it on myself - this solitude. What has been made one, i have torn asunder. and i know it. and despite the words of encouragement from those who love me, i don't feel good about it. and i want to write and i want to share that it is necessary. it is hard. it is necessary. it is leaving egypt. it is giving up your wealth. it is conceding the loss. it is coming to terms.

a new year comes, and a period of my life is ending. reshaping. dying and being reborn out of the remnants of truth that can be found in its wake. i smile. i wave. i am being watched. i watch what i do, when i do it, as to avoid misinterpretations. they will watch their words. avoiding talks about love. happiness. am i shedding tears? do i even know what this is about? do i realize what i'm doing? i am a prop. i am a pawn. i am a cautionary tale. i am inconsequential. i am only a part of those statistics. i am fifty percent. the other fifty percent. it was to be expected. is it expected? did they see it coming? i have free will, but i am not good at controlling things. i know the routine. i know this play. i was in one like it not so long ago. how to hide your broken heart in three acts.

i know there is always hope. in the small and quiet things, often hope and truth are found. but for now i am sad. i am shadows. i am residual. i am contemplating. i am an island. i am that kid who lost his glasses, waiting for clarity.

daybreak will come, but if i miss it today, it always comes again tomorrow. today i will sleep. warm. safe. covered. tomorrow i will watch the sunrise.