School is done. Summer's here. Now go get a job.

Like any normal teenager working toward gas and summer movie money, I had a variety of summer jobs while in high school. There was the summer of Old Navy, which was fine except after the fiftieth time hearing that damn soundtrack they play throughout the day everyday over and over, you want to tear off your ears and throw them at the pre-adolescent customers who loudly sing along while scrounging around in the pile of shirts you just folded. That job lasted about a month. That was also the summer of Wendy's and the time I discovered the goodness of french fries dipped in frosties. But there is one summer job in particular that has a special place in my memory. It can also be found in the part of my memory that has anything to do with grease.

When I was 16 years old I had my first real job working at Hurricane Harbor (or Wet 'N Wild for those of you resistant to change). But my job wasn't anything nearly as glamorous as being a lifeguard. Instead I worked in the food service sector at the Surf Side cafe as a cashier/burger assembly gal/chicken strip fryer. Here's an unsolicited tip from the inside- it's probably a good idea to bring your own food if you visit ANY venue where the the food service management is around 17 years old.

Anyway, working at Surf Side was an interesting experience. I learned how to work a cash register, assemble a hot dog griller, wash stainless steel dishes with that pink industrial strength sanitizer and clean a deep fryer (all things I would later put on my resume when I got my next summer job at Wendy's ). And so I learned a lot of useful information that summer about food service and work in general. Here is a list of the top 10 things I learned from my first summer job:

10) Ranch dressing should only be eaten when it comes from an individual package and not a vat labeled "Ranch Suce" (that's right, ranch suce) that sits out next to the fryer all day. This is true for most saucy condiments that should normally be kept cold.

9) A clogged floor drain in the kitchen can get you closed down during a health code inspection.

8) It's okay to stay out past curfew as long as you call first and tell the parents it's because you have to work late.

7) People will still send back food and expect a refund for a $2 meal if their french fries are cold.

6) Cleaning greasy floors with hot water and a squeegee just gives you wet, greasy floors that will inevitably make you slip and fall while carrying something heavy and greasy.

5) If you can count change, you get to work the register and not in the back. This prevents you from leaving work with the smell and shimmer of grease stuck to your arms and face.

4) People who smoke pot during their lunch breaks can get away with it if they are smoking with your supervisor.

3) Forget the diet and go with the deep fried menu options that require very little hands on assembly (i.e. chicken strips, french fries, tater tots). They are a much safer bet over the burgers or grilled chicken when ordering food at a theme park.

2) Don't bother telling your manager about people stealing out of the registers if he is a junior in high school and planning to go out drinking with the alleged thieves after work.

1) If the dude taking your money at the cashier looks like he hasn't showered that day, don't expect the people making your food to be any cleaner.

I share these lessons learned in hopes that you can learn from them as well. They will take you far in life- or at least keep you from getting food poisoning after your day of water park-filled fun.

I'm glad she's a dog and not a child

To continue the stream of more positive posts, I am going to introduce you to the dog in my life who is gorgeous and happens to be the size of a small horse. She eats a lot of bark and grass so I think she might also be part deer or goat. She makes me think that I'll be a decent mother someday because I've had her for over 2 years and I haven't wanted to get rid of her yet, which is a pretty big accomplishment for me because I tire of people and things fairly quickly. The lovely girl's name is Annabelle because when Trav and I went to the Waco Animal Shelter and picked her up (because she was a teensy tiny 8 week old pup and could be picked up back then), it took about 11 seconds to realize her name was obviously Annabelle. As a bit of trivia, Annabelle was going to be the name of our first born girl if that ever came about, but I now suppose we can't name our hypothetical child after our dog. Ah well, c'est la vie.

Annabelle is practically perfect in every way, much like the canine Mary Poppins. She has a cheery disposition, no warts, plays games, all sorts. She doesn't bark and when she thinks you are sad, she will come up to you wherever you are sitting and put her head on your knee like this:



That's her way of showing you that she's there for you even when life's full of poop.
It also might mean get up off your arse because I need to go out and take a poop.

And although I do realize she is not human and will never dress her in people's clothes or talk about her like she is my child, I do honestly think she's capable of great love. Very few people in my life ever have shown me the amount of unconditional acceptance and forgiveness and affection that this dog has given me. Having a dog should be required of all single, married, old, young, happy or depressed people.

No doubt you will be hearing more about her in the future.

What? This isn't normal?

I've realized that my posts so far have been pretty heavy. Perhaps even a little dramatic. So I thought I would lighten the mood with some cheap laughs via funny family portraits. I hope nobody gets upset with me for posting these.

MWA HA HA!

(that was my best evil laugh, by the way...)






We're a lovely bunch of weirdos, are we not?

Enlightenment by way of lost cell phones and US HWY 360 S

So I had an epiphany while driving home from work yesterday. If you know me, you might have figured out that I am a procrastinator. However, I am no run of the mill procrastinator (ROMPs as I will call them). I don't just put off paying bills, or doing homework, or washing clothes or something mundane like that. I will put off everything from fixing a broken cell phone to paying my taxes. I am the kid you see sprinting across campus five minutes late for class holding a paper in my hand fresh off the printer that's not even stapled because I didn't have time to refill the stapler before it was due. I am the person 30 minutes late for a wedding shower because I was stuck at Target trying to decide which of the bad leftover presents on their registry I should buy. I am the person who owns the car with the flat tire that has been sitting in the parking lot outside of work for two weeks because I never got around to changing it. I put off for months paying traffic tickets that will inevitably become warrants for my arrest. I put off calling the credit agency when my identity has been stolen and over $1000 in bad checks have been written in my name using my address and driver's license number. I put off getting out of bed every single morning so I am consistently 30 minutes late to work and anywhere from 20 minutes to an hour late everywhere else. And yesterday all of these things combined in the form of a call from a credit agency, an overdrawn bank account, a lost cell phone, a suspended cell phone account, and a whole bunch of traffic on my way home from work to make me realize my life is kind of an irresponsible mess. (Okay, that last one wasn't a result of my procrastination, but it didn't help with my frustration level.)

As I'm sitting in traffic, feeling stressed and completely disappointed with myself once again because of the self-imposed chaos of my life, I begin to ask, why do I do this to myself? I thought about this and it came to mind that all those things I put off doing are things I don't want to do. I don't want to go to the bank and get an official affidavit of account forgery. I don't want to activate my new cell phone account. I don't want to get up early/do my taxes/go work out/fold my laundry/fix my cell phone/pay my traffic ticket/ etc etc etc... Okay, so if that's the case, then what do I want to do? The answer is so many pointless things. I want to sleep 30 extra minutes. I want to watch TV. I want to read blogs. I want to paint my toenails/read magazines/inspect my pores/eat a bunch of cake/draw pictures/drive around aimlessly/drink some vodka/ etc etc etc... And I think about the fact that I lie in bed every single morning, hitting snooze again and again for over an hour, and for what? Because I don't want to get out of bed and I do want to sleep more. Every. Single. Day.

And then, it hits me. I will NEVER WANT to get out of bed on time. I have NEVER WANTED to get out of bed on time. That's something I don't want to do, and yet because I don't do it, I am always late for work. I am late everywhere. I don't have time to do anything in the morning besides dress and brush my teeth. I don't even brush my hair until I get in the car. And why? Because I want an extra hour of snooze alarm-interrupted sleep. Every morning I think as my alarm goes off again and again that getting up and being on time for work really isn't that important to do because what I really want to do is sleep some more. And yet I know somewhere deep down that being on time for work really is kind of important. But if I never want to get out of the bed in the mornings, how will I ever get out of bed on time? And then I felt really pathetic because I realized what my problem really is:

I always only do what I feel like doing. I never just do what needs to be done.

I think this is because I HATE feeling like I have to do anything. I have always challenged authority, from my mother growing up to God godself as an adult. And so instead of doing things without asking questions just because they need to be done, I ask why is that so important to do now? I then inevitably decide that it's not really that important, so I end up doing the stupid, pointless, wasteful things I feel like doing at the time. My life is about self-indulgence. And that leaves my life filled with a whole lot of junk and very little substance. And I am no better for it.

The problem, I realize, goes deeper. I am self-absorbed. I live by the idea that there are no absolutes. Everything is relative and therefore, I question the values and priorities of everyone else. And yet, I don't go out and set my own goals or develop my own system of doing things. I simply think yours aren't good enough. You say the world is flat and I will be the lazy guy with the box of cheez-its on the couch in the back saying, Really? I don't think so, man. This is to distinguish me from the the guy who is circumventing the globe saying no, actually the world is round. And because I question everything without ever investigating on my own or coming to my own conclusions about things, I am left without goals, passions, priorities, convictions, or even morals in some cases. I end up with a whole lot of ideas and very little of anything put into practice. I am not a woman of action. So what do I do to fix this? I haven't figured that out yet, but I now realize this is a far greater problem than I ever imagined. This is me living the lifestyle of the fat, lazy, and self-addicted. And something must be done. I want to change this. I need to change this. This cannot be my life.

I am no ROMP, my friend. The rabbit hole of my procrastination goes far deeper than I ever realized.

Ode to my breakfast (Neruda style)

Vending machine
newly stocked
you stand ready.
Waltzing in
30 minutes late
you catch
my eye.
My growling stomach
seeks your goodness.

Never caring
for nickels and dimes,
I seek them out
Since every
cent
counts.
Victorious
amidst the paper clips
in corners of
messy
desk drawers, it is found
Satisfaction
in a dollar fifteen.
Hungrily
I drop
coins
and expectantly press
code thirty-three.

Gears turn
red bag filled
with salty goodness
drops.
Reaching through
the floppy door
i grasp
the pleasure of
another day.
Salty little
squares
orange
like a goldfish
but superior
in taste
in form
in ability
to satisfy.

And how
could i slave
away
to lunch
if not for
cheez-its
and
a diet coke.

"Because when I die, buddy, you know what's going to keep me warm? That's right, those degrees."

This weekend my youngest sister graduates college. So that's a big stinkin' deal for a few reasons. I recognize the fact that graduating college is a big accomplishment that many people don't ever experience. As for myself, I have found that I get a great amount of (hidden) satisfaction when I have the opportunity to let someone know that I have indeed graduated college. And from an institution that is respectable and somewhat well-known (Sic 'em). It's a good feeling to have earned one's degree, and hopefully that will be followed by the good feeling of money in the bank and a fulfilling career. I'm still waiting for that pay off, but it's only 2 years since I left school so I'm still holding on to the idea that it will eventually happen. Let me at least have that dream.

So the thing about graduating college that makes it such a big stinkin' deal beyond getting the degree is the fact that you are now officially a part of the adult world. And it expects things from you that you haven't ever had to deal with before. Like getting your own insurance. And not wearing jeans every day. Making friends with grown-ups that are married and have children. And getting an actual occupation since you can't check the "Student" box anymore on surveys when it asks what you do. Here is the hard reality of graduating college that you didn't experience when you graduated high school:

You can't get away with anything anymore.

You can't skip work like you could skip class. You can't get away with not paying your bills like you did with not turning in a paper on time. You can't get loaded on a Tuesday night with all your friends and then sleep it off all the next day because once you get out of college, people start labeling you things like "alcoholic" instead of cheering you on as you take one more shot of Jager. That's right, my soon-to-be-an-accountable-adult friend. The reality after college is that you no longer live in a world that's wild and crazy fun, where all your best friends live within 2 miles of you, and the biggest thing you have hanging over your head is a 20 page paper for your Theories of Personality class. Instead, your friends live in Idaho and you can't decide whether or not to meet with a financial advisor before or after you get some of your loans and credit card debt paid off so you can start saving for a house, your kids' college education, and of course for retirement. Your days of carefree fun are still standing stage left once you get handed that degree.

I remember the exuberance I felt when I left high school. The world was full of possibilities. Every door was still open. But from the moment you choose a college, then a major, then an internship, then a first real job, doors begin to close, and you just have to hope that you have been true to yourself and you're on the path that's right for you. And that can be a very hard thing to do, but it's possible and it's necessary if you want to end up somewhere you really want to be. And living the life that you want is one of the most important accomplishments of all, degree or not.

So, little sister- the one who puts all the pizzazz in the family- congratulations on finishing school. I really am proud of you. I do believe you are prepared for this leg of the journey. This is where it gets really challenging. And that's a whole new kind of fun.

It's not a good sign when...

your mom asks you if you still have a job because you never talk about work, you rarely shower in the morning, and you leave the house every day at the time you are supposed to be there.

To blog or not to have a new excuse to avoid work and stay up late

Alright. So it looks like I gave in. I am surprising myself a little bit with this. I have started a blog. Why? Explore that question with me. The clear answer is... I don't do anything else with my life, so why not start a web log and share that with the world via the internet. Ah, yes. The reason of being for most bloggers and I am feeling pretty damn good tonight about joining their ranks.

But seriously, I carefully considered this decision before jumping online. I have found secret pleasure in flying under the radar of the 3 or 4 people out there who might remember who the hell I am and who don't talk to me on a semi-regular basis. You know who you are. No, not you. I have so far avoided myspace, facebook, livejournal, etc. And why have I held out so long? Let me give you a short rundown of my reasons not to blog:

1) I don't want to be reminded by a readership of -2 people that my life is mundane and doesn't interest me and therefore doesn't interest other people.
2) Blogging is becoming a part of pop culture and therefore I need to pretend not to be interested in it because I am too deep and complex to be interested in the most popular things of popular culture.
3) I waste enough time late at night and during the day checking other people's webpages and therefore do not need one of my own to add to the list of things that wastes my time.
4) I am not that funny and I don't want people to think that I think that I'm funny because I am aware of the fact that relatively speaking, I am not that funny.
5) The whole concept of a blog is very self-indulgent.

So these are all reasons why I have talked myself out of doing anything like this up until now. Believe me though that I did think long and hard about the benefits and the consequences of selling a bit of my soul to the blogging community. And then I drank 3 Mandarin flavored Smirnoff Twisters and decided, "Yes. Today will be my day to start a blog." These were my logical reasons why I should indeed claim my own little piece of the world wide web.

1) I read this really horrible blog tonight that was written by this girl I knew from school. It was all about her baby and it made me sick and annoyed with all things blogspot. And then I thought, "Okay, if she can do that, then I get to do that too." (Get to have a blog, not have a baby)
2) I am tired of using the fact that my life is boring as a reason not to enjoy it and a reason for other people not to enjoy it with me.
4) I need to find a new way to waste time.
3) The 3 previously mentioned Smirnoff Twisters. Alcohol lowers my inhibitions and makes me think I am more likeable.
4) I don't like that I care so much about what people think of me. Even if they think I'm boring.
5) The whole concept of a blog is very self-indulgent.

So now you know why I have started blogging. I wonder if anyone else is ever even going to read this post. I guess we will see. If you ARE reading this, then wow. Okay. Great. That's great. Thanks for reading. Come back and check it out again sometime soon. It probably won't get much better than this. It might, but it might not. So my little bit of advice is to keep your expectations as low as possible. It helps. Promise.