Part II: What is to come or Losing the fear of the Unknown

So now I’m back in Texas for about seven more days. I’m planning on spending a lot of time this week throwing crap away. I feel I have already gone through an internal gutting of my life in some ways through this spring. It has been a very hard spring, I’m not going to lie. I saw several good friends lose parents. I finalized my divorce. I wrecked a car due to carelessness and irresponsibility. I said good-bye to my first (and second) job in Dallas for the last time. And now what’s left is all this stuff. The actual, physical stuff that takes up space in every corner of my room and parts of the garage here in Arlington and a storage unit in Waxahachie and one apartment in Dallas. So the goal for the next seven days is to get ride of the old. Trav and I tried to rid ourselves of a lot of junk when we moved to Dallas for the first time, and so we titled the event “The Great Kelly Crap Purge of ’05.” I suppose this will be the ’07 version for both of us. A lot of the stuff is both of ours and will need to be separated. It’s not going to be a pleasant event in any way, but at least we are exceptionally good at making each other laugh even in the midst of throwing away the things that tie us together. Really there is a lot that we both need to get rid of. I just want us to get both of our possessions in order so that they reflect the fact that we are starting things anew in this part of life. There is much to be done between now and next Monday.

So this is what the future of my summer holds. In seven days I’m driving to North Carolina to spend time with my sis and her husband who are expecting their first baby in July. I am going to lounge around with Rachel and watch movies and make her and Gare dinner and help them move furniture and paint and whatever else I can do to help them prepare for Isaac’s arrival. It will be very good. I’m still so undone by the idea of my having a nephew and my sister being a mom. Undone in a way that makes me realize how our roles in life are ever changing and the unpredictability of life can bring more joy and excitement than one could have ever anticipated. It’s a very good kind of undone.

After my week stay in NC with the fam, I’m planning on a short stay in Chicago to visit another friend I met in California who lives there now. It will be my first trip to Chicago. I’m hoping to see a Cubs game at Wrigley, hang out on the beach at Lake Michigan, eat some authentic Chicago-style pizza, and hear a lot of really good live music up until June 20th.

On June 20th I fly with my friend Krista out of Chicago O’Hare to Heathrow in London. And from there I honestly can’t even say what exactly will happen. We will stay in London for a few days I’m sure. I would like to see Buckingham and Big Ben and the Globe theatre. From London we will probably travel to Leeds to see a friend of Krista’s. I would like to see Ireland as well as England. I would like to perhaps take a bike trip down a road in Ireland that leads along the coast and through green fields. I would also like to drink ale in a pub and watch a good rugby match. After our stay in the UK, we have decided to get an apartment for the month of July in Paris. We are subleasing from a Parisian named “Benoit Mercr-something-super-French.” No doubt it will be an excellent time seeing new things and meeting new people in this foreign culture. I plan to drink a lot of vin and eat a lot of brie and baguettes. And since that will be the case, I will probably need to plan on doing a lot of walking off the super good French bread, cheese, and wine while exploring the city. I’m not really sure what my days in Paris will look like. I’m still figuring out that vision. I hope it will involve the aforementioned good food and excellent wine, perhaps some dancing in a Parisian night club, some walks down the Champs d’Elysee, some time spent along the Seine in cafés learning some French and taking lots of pictures. Besides our stay in Paris, we would both like to visit Prague and Amsterdam for a few days as well. I personally would love to get to see some parts of Italy. Perhaps Rome at least. Or maybe just some towns along the coast. Much of it will just have to be determined based on money and time when that time comes.

So that is what is ahead of me. I’m not sure yet of my return date to the states. I am planning on living in Dallas in the fall with my friend, Justis, who is moving here during the summer. I am planning to continue the path to pharmacy school, which includes taking the PCAT and taking another semester of O-Chem this fall. No prob. I feel prepared to handle it this time around.

Surprising even to myself, I feel prepared to handle a lot of things this time around. And not because I’m now suddenly so well equipped at understanding o-chem or figuring out relationships or career changes or trips abroad, but I think it’s because I am at least ready to willingly embrace the fact that life is a process. For some I suppose it can be a journey along a straight and narrow path from beginning to end without ever stopping or straying from the road. But for me, life so far seems to be more like a journey of exploration than one taken on a well-defined road heading toward a known destination. It is discovering new roads. It is learning that one should not climb up the side of a mountain when one is not appropriately attired or acclimated to the altitude. It is a compilation of successes and losses. It is losing one thing and then realizing that maybe something else you have gained is actually more to your liking anyway. Or at least it is grieving the loss of something loved and being flexible enough to openly accept the new. It is unpredictable. It is an exciting adventure. Right now I really have no idea what the next week or month or year or five years of my life will really look like and I think I’m okay with that. And that’s a huge change in perspective for me.

I used to feel this pressure that I had to figure everything out about life before I had even lived it. And now I no longer feel that fear that once drove me to try and nail down a specific five-year plan or figure out my purpose so far ahead of time. That was the fear of being alone when everyone else seemed to have someone, of not having a father that was looking out for me, of not being good enough to keep good friends, of not being pretty enough or smart enough or interesting enough to gain other’s respect, of being uncomfortable around people who seemed to have their life in order, of not having a passion in life or a career plan that I loved, of not knowing god or what god means to me… it was even the fear of doing physically challenging things like climbing mountains. And now it’s as if all the high levels of anxiety that I lived off of for over six years before, during, and a couple of years after college have finally been used up. And because of that I am no longer making decisions based on fear or anxiety, but instead I am making decisions based on what I think will be best for me, regardless of what it is everyone else I know is doing. I really just want to be happy and content with me. And even though the decisions I make may lead me into a life as an old maid or to a stumble down a mountain, I really have no desire to worry about either one of those things anymore ahead of time. And that is a perfectly comfortable place for me to be.

So onward to the next point of discovery. The journey continues.